Sometimes I wonder if I spend a little too much time looking for lessons in what happened on that April day. I ask myself, "Am I trying too hard to find what God is up to?" Maybe I've already seen everything He wants me to see or learned the lessons He wants to draw for me from this experience. Then I'll catch myself thinking again about that week and the months that followed. I'll think back on emotions that I had. I'll recall conversations that went on. I'll replay every minute that I spent in that recliner talking with God and reevaluating my faith.
I guess, deep down, there is a fear that drives that. The Bible says that God can bring good from bad. The Scriptures tell me that God uses experiences to teach us lessons and to refine our character. So, my fear is that Josh and Sarah will have died without me seeing what God had in store.
I can hear the responses now. "Ridley, you can't imagine how God has used this in my life." or "There's no way that we can miss the good that has been brought from your tragedy."
I know. I get that. But what if there was one more lesson...or some totally different thing that God wanted to happen? For instance, for six years now, I've wanted to write Josh and Sarah's story for others to read. I've wanted to put it into a book so maybe someone who picked it up might be encouraged or strengthened for their own personal battle. I just haven't been able to make it happen (though it's already started and has been in the works for what seems like an eternity). I've wondered if God is disappointed that I haven't followed through with the book.
Maybe there's something else, something smaller or less obvious that He desired for me. I don't know. Maybe that's a crazy thought. It isn't the first. It won't be the last. I guess I'll continue to analyze these events until I find a peace that He is done with me in that area. Till then, I continue to reflect, to remember, to recapture every tear and fear and broken dream that the accident visited on me. It's one more way that I honor their lives and bring sense from the nonsense.