Just two days before, my life had been literally smashed by the fall out from a major car accident. My best friend was gone. My youngest child lay in a hospital three hours away, just a few days away from his own death. My other two children were wrecked by the events of the weekend. And there I was, sitting in my recliner/bed, asking questions of God that I never dreamed I would have to ask. Honestly, I was too wrapped up to even know what was going on around me. I wasn't the only one hurting. There were church members, friends and, of course, the family--both mine and Sarah's--that were destroyed by these events.
I guess that's one of the reasons I have enjoyed so much reading Lisa's blog (read it here. It's worth the read) over recent weeks. It's been such a blessing, such an eye-opening thing to read what other's thoughts and feelings have been these last 7 years.
I will tell you this. I've learned more about myself than I care to know and more about God--who I desire to know deeper than I ever have. Sarah and Josh's death put a hunger in me to know God more than before. I had to know this God who saw more in me than I saw in myself. This God who loves me and my kids deeply enough to leave nothing to chance. I'm only a few steps further in this journey than I was seven years ago. In fact, I'm disappointed that I'm not further. I'm evaluating who I am, where I am and where God desires me to be. I'm hoping that 7 years from now I'll find that I've moved a lot closer to him and a lot further from myself.