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Thursday, April 09, 2009

It's been five years.

It's been five years. Hard to believe but it has. I've been sitting here looking at this computer screen for about ten minutes wondering how you encapsulate five years in a few paragraphs. It's impossible. I can't tell you every emotion I have felt much less the intensity with which I have felt them. I probably can't remember every question I've asked God. There is no way to count the tears that Harrison, Abigail and I have cried. I can't recall every conversation the three of us have had about that day. I can't explain why certain songs take me back to that day or the years leading up to it. I can't explain why certain memories are so etched in my brain that I feel like I am reliving them every day.

I can tell you this though. God is good. God is faithful. I have lived the last five years in a fashion I would not have scripted for myself. The hundreds of phone calls, e-mails and personal conversations with others who have gone through similar losses have both drained me and energized me. God was there through each one of them. The lonely nights before I met Lisa, I knew God would get me through. The twists and turns and surprises of those years have taken many of us by surprise. I only know that God was not one of the surprised ones. That's why, after all that has happened and continues to happen, I rest confidently in the arms of a God who knows...

Life stopped being easy the day I started preschool, I think. It's been filled with thousands of challenges. They have not disappeared; they have only changed their shape. For the rest of my life, I will think of that day. I will catch myself wishing she could be here when Harrison starts high school or Abigail goes on her first date. I will wonder what Josh might have become and what joy he would have brought to our lives.

But because of the great hope of Easter, we will live our lives through the windshield, not through the rear view mirror. There are still games to play, proms to be had, and colleges to choose.

God has blessed me much these last five years. I wait with eager anticipation to see what His plan is for the next five. In the mean time, this Easter, I celebrate a risen Savior with my family while Sarah and Josh sit in His very presence...a place I long to be.

1 comment:

Traci said...

Thank you for blogging about this. I can't tell you how often I think and reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness everytime I see your picture of your sweet family on my fridge. I will never forget that night Joanna called me and told me. I was certian that the facts were wrong and she didn't get the whole story. When Bro. Jerry asked me to say something in the funeral I thought - HOW? What is there to say? I am dumbfounded...That is when God chose the still, painful moment to take me to Psalm 116. There I counted 13 reasons why I should PRAISE the Lord, not question Him. Psalm 116:15 states, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." As I myself questioned why God would take your teammate from you IN MINISTRY i was quickly reminded that child, adult, senior citizen, infant - our home is not here. It brings Him no greater joy than to be at Home with Him. From another perspective about to marry into the ministry, this was one of the most definiing moments of my life. It has shaped Michael and I's marriage and ministry in the sense that God established the family long before the church. Thank you for being a youth minister that always exemplfied that in your own marriage and ministry long before one of your students realized it. Thank you for being a youth minister that even in this season of your life 5 years ago, turned to the Lord and scripture. You will forever be one of my spiritual giants in my life.