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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A question of why

Until November, 2003, my life had been sheltered from the tragedies that touch so many people. Yes, I had seen the death of grandparents but, though dearly loved, I knew older people face that reality. But not young ones. Not eleven year olds. Not in my family. Until that November.

We got a phone call saying that Sarah's 11 year old niece was in the hospital with a perforated appendix. It had been discovered fairly late and she was not doing well. Sarah and I left our kids with my sister's family and made the journey to Douglas. Before leaving, I remember looking at Abby and Harrison and saying, "You guys just pray for Taylor. She will be alright. God will take care of her." I believed what I said with all my heart. I believed she would get up and walk away from that hospital. So much so that I never even considered the alternative. And that's exactly what happened. Taylor died just a few hours after we got to Birmingham. For whatever reason, God decided that Taylor's time here was done.

And I had to be okay with that...sort of. I can tell you I didn't like it. I can tell you that my heart was broken for my brother-in-law and his wife and surviving daughter. I can tell you that I cried many tears at her funeral and questioned God's wisdom in how our prayers had seemingly been unheard.

But I also had to remember the limits of who I am...and the limitless nature of who He is. My choice was for Taylor to go home. God's choice was for Taylor to go...well...Home. My choice was based on selfishness and love for her family. His choice was based on His wisdom. He knew the far-reaching implications, the "ripples" that would come from her death. His choice was based on a love for the whole world--knowing that Taylor's passing would have an impact on many others that He cared about. His decision was based on foreknowledge. He alone knew how this decision would impact my family in the months to come. I had to understand that He is God, I am not...and there is a reason for this. A lesson that would come back to face me hard in the months that were to follow.

Trusting God is simply that. Not trusting Him in the good times or the great spiritual moments. Trusting His goodness means believing that in all things, He has in mind what is absolutely the best for all of me, in every situation, regardless of my understanding. I chose to trust Him then. I choose to trust Him now.

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